"The family is one of nature's masterpieces." 

-George Santayana

A healthy family is a happy family. Yet, relationships with family members do not always run smoothly.

​

The impact of our words and actions does not always match our intention. We have habitual responses that need some adjustments. In our rush to cope with all that needs to be done in the run of a day, we do not pay sufficient attention to our personal and work relationships. We react rather than taking the time to process calmly and then respond. We avoid conflict and emotional work. Relationship disconnects occur, leaving us with a sense of loss, hurt, frustration, or hopelessness.

​

Even when we do try to work things out, our best efforts can fail. We are left wondering why these attempts to resolve and repair are leaving our family floundering.

​

Modern life brings a high level of challenge to family life, including the turmoil resulting from major life changes such as separation and divorce, step parenting and blended families,  multiple career changes and/or lay-offs, significant health changes,  arrival of adolescent years, sandwich generation issues, etc. Counselling Connections can help you find a positive and loving way forward.

​

There is an important step we often overlook in dealing with family issues. The single most important determinant of how well repair of a disconnect goes is the quality of preparation. Just jumping into a repair conversation without personally untangling at least some of the emotions, hurts, values, needs, and requests makes good repair almost impossible. Or it ends up requiring multiple additional conversations to sort things out which puts extra pressure on people’s busy schedules, and results in unsatisfying partial repairs.  

​

Steps for preparing a successful family communication forum:

• Clarify what is already known about the issue.

• Determine what you believe to be at the core of the issue.

• Identify the primary feelings.

• Consider possible corrective actions (and resulting feeling reactions/responses).

• Name the primary interests and needs.

• Determine why this issue matters to your family.

• Consider what you want to happen for resolution and repair.

• Identify what you sense you would need in yourself and from the other(s) for this to resolve.

• Identify what are you afraid will happen.

• Acknowledge how you are contributing to the situation.

• Explore to see if there is anything connected to your past that is having a compounding effect.

• Contemplate a do-over- what would you do differently?

• Look at past learnings to determine what might be helpful now to bring a repair/resolution.

​

Good self-leadership and preparation for ensuring quality family communication forums is powerful. It makes all the difference between satisfaction and frustration in working out a conflict or relationship disconnect.  It ensures we have done the necessary inner work and have arrived in a calm, respectful state.

​

Now it is time to set up the dialogue forum, with a heart set that seeks the best possible outcome and a return to harmony. Here are some constructive and practical next steps:

• Tell the person you want to meet to sort something out with them.

• Ask when would be a favorable time to meet.

• Get calm, clear, and centered.

• Find your caring, courage, and curiosity.

• Begin the meeting by having each person say what happened and how it impacted them (leaving out any blaming or emotionally charged statements).

• Emphasize that the dialogue is happening because you care about the relationship and want to invest in repairing it and/or making it better.

• Indicate that it is okay to raise a complaint with a request for change.

• Clarify that it is more than acceptable to ask for a do-over.

• Practice active listening, look for understandings, and invite respectful responses.

• Suggest all parties look for truth, even when they do not agree with all they are hearing.

​

Unresolved family issues, along with poor listening skills, and a decided absence of stress management skills generates unnecessary havoc and pain for family members.  Establishing respectful communication guidelines (as indicated below) and building strong conflict resolution skills are musts for ensuring healthy families.